Mee Siam Mai Hum

Friday, December 25, 2009

Am really tempted to go sleep now, but I saw a particular update on xxx's blog(involving skies and pockets) and I got motivated/reminded to blog. Actually was intending to blog tomorrow, + rant about NPCC training.

(And hi Guo Chen, here's your update)

Anyway I was reading this book from the library called "Perfect You". The main charecter (Kate Brown) of the story has a lazy brother who is "one with the couch", has a retarded father who gave up his life to sell vitamins at a shopping mall, and a best friend who seem to have abandoned Kate after she got famous.

Anyway, I feel that this Kate person is similar to me in some ways.

1. We both keep almost everything to ourselves.
We keep things to ourselves. We let misunderstandings happen. We bottle up all the feelings, and once we cannot take it anymore, we blow up. With impact.

Okay this one actually I can elaborate alot, but nvm, don't want elaborate. too lazy.

2. We both lost a good friend.
Decline to comment further, close friends would have known.
We both lost, and gained the good friend back. Happy ending. (:

3. We both use vulgarities when we get frustrated.
Even more don't need to comment, this one even more famous. Shouting that particular 4 letter word outside CPS parents corner.
EPIC FAIL.

hm... okay that's it, i think.

Anyway, I don't believe that everyone has a talent.

Cause I seem pretty average in everything I do.

If i have a talent, it's being talented in being average. (wait am I even making sense)

Anyway, this year I've had alot of self doubt. I attribute it to the "shouting the 4 letter word outside CPS" incident.

Even if I don't consider it entirely my fault, I can't believe that I actually shouted that. In public. In front of my primary school. Thank goodness I wasn't wearing my school uniform, or else. Anyway, that incident just goes to so how little discipline I have. How emotional am I.

And my point on having no discipline leads me to thinking that I don't deserve to be in my squad, which my sirs think that is very promising and has a bright future. I don't wish to drag the squad down in anyway. I don't wish to contribute negatively.

And that is pretty much why I went around looking for so much encouragement this year, sort of needed someone to believe in me.

Which sounds pretty pathetic. (to me, at least)

And to sum it all up, I've been a selfish bastard this year who hurt the people around me.

(This post sounds so emo, and assholes like Eun Seong will probably laugh when he reads this. If he laughs, I'll make sure he goes down)

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Anyway, here are some quotes from "Diary of an Anorexic Girl", the book I was reading before I read "Perfect You"

"Not really knowing what I was doing I took her bony pinky in mine and swore not to tell a soul"
- hm... making promises. Not a lot of meaning but... can use in compo? lol.

"Nobody truly knows me, but I suppose that's the way it is for everyone. Or at least I hope so. We seem to have the tendency to put a front in the best interest of ourselves, but eventually these fronts weld themselves to us until we no longer recognise our own souls in the mirror."
-Applies to me. I think.

"More then anything I want to be happy for her, but this feeling of jealousy keeps creeping up on me. I smile, but it feels fake. I try to push it down, but this resentment keeps rising because she gets to feel good and have her little transformation into a better person without suffering like I have been."
-Have felt this before. (note the her/him in the quotes are directly copied from the book, so it may not be the same in my situation.

'I just hate myself for because I'm what I always dreaded- average"
Definitely applies to me -.-

"People can make all kinds of plans, but only the Lord's plan will happen
PROVERBS 19:21"

Erm.. I think this is quoted from the Bible by the author. Quite meaningful/ (:

Okay that's all.
I'm going to sleep now, good night. (And Merry Christmas to all of you; Happy Birthday to Hui Ping)
Kim Yao

P.S. Happy Birthday to my squadmate John Phua, too

Edit: ZZZ I forgot to rant about NPCC. Probably will do that tomorrow.

Kim Yao @ Friday, December 25, 2009
"Sorry also must exprain"
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Hello Uncle...Bah Chor Mee one. I want chilli plus tur Kwa plus can I watch your CCTV playback of Jeff Lopez...=D